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My Process with the Inner Punisher

The inner punisher (originally written about by the Soulfull Heart Community) is an aspect of your self or “ego” that is responsible for keeping you “safe” - albeit in a very convoluted way. By internalizing the pain, traumas, and programming coming from the outside world (our parents, society, media, etc) the inner punisher takes on the form of what scares you most into submission. They believe that the most effective way to keep you safe is by pointing out and needling your flaws and shortcomings before the world can. This can come out in self-criticism, self-judgement, even self-hatred. Sometimes our inner punisher is modeled after our parents if they were punishing to us, or whatever we fear most in terms of persecution and safety. They play a huge part in our addictions and habits, often perpetuating the feelings of shame and self-hatred when we feel out of control in a situation or in our own bodies. This is an incredibly deep and complex part of us that nevertheless deserves to be loved and acknowledged so that it, too, can change and transmute. The tendrils run deep, I almost visualize it like an octopus, tangled around our being in various ways and places. These are some of my experiences with my own inner punisher:

Emotional eating, body shame, and self-criticism have been nibbling away at me for my entire life. This attitude of perfectionism, needing to constantly be working and achieving, and fear of actually just “being” and staying still come from a masculine side of my inner punisher that feels to be acting as an inner protector. The body shame, comments about my appearance, trying to keep myself small and calm and contained, come from the feminine side of my inner punisher that is modeled after my mother.

The first time I met my inner punisher, through Jelelle’s deepen video series, it took the shape of a massive worm with my mother’s face. It lived in the basement of my inner world, full of rage and anguish and angry at being forgotten. It was resentful that I was not paying attention to it or giving it power, but at the same time there was a deep pain around that and not being acknowledged. In that first meeting (which happened in March or April of 2020), I was able to invite them upstairs into the sunshine. We both lay side by side on the lawn in front of the castle in my inner world, and worked to offer each other forgiveness and healing. In that moment, the worm essence melted away and underneath it was a girl around my age with long black hair, who was almost a reflection of my inner feminine.

For a while I didn’t do much to visit or confront this part head on because so many other processes were unfolding rapidly and all at once. I’ve always felt her presence and pain echoed in my mind, in my intense fixation on my body and appearance, this feeling of never being enough, and the tangles of unworthiness that have wrapped around every inch of my soul. For a while I thought this was the only inner punisher I had, this inner mother/punisher hybrid that was just learning to change her course. It’s taken time to reprogram her and redirect her, and I’m very much still in the midst of that process, especially today.

But a few days ago I met another aspect of my inner punisher, on the 4D Reptilian level. The 3D Matrix that we exist in also exists on the 4D level where Reptilian beings are used for harnessing our energy and keeping humanity asleep. The Reptilians are also in control of the Matrix until we consciously free them and allow them to move on. I realized this more masculine aspect was connected to the 4D Matrix and had the purpose of keeping me from awakening too much and too fast. I kept falling into these patterns of having beautiful soul openings, then the next day feeling completely exhausted and drained and spending the day in bed watching Netflix and eating snacks just to “recover”. But at the same time that inner maniac of mine was always trying to push forward, push against the 4D matrix, and ensued in this flip-flopping and almost “glitching” back and forth between timelines.

I realize now, after becoming more familiar with Rebeka, my inner feminine and Avalon priestess, who’s shadow consumed her and the fear of persecution and her own gifts drove her to terrifying places, that keeping me small equaled keeping me safe. There’s something quite dangerous about a powerful woman, especially one that knows her worth. And the possibility of that is extremely exciting and nerve-inducing for the masculine parts of me, especially the ones trying to keep it suppressed. That took part in this reptilian aspect, who I don’t know that well yet, but we were able to pull the “chord” from the back of his skull. It looked kind of like a ring with a bunch of little tubules and nerves coming off of it, deeply embedded into the brain and nervous system. Then we flew through the desert of his planet and he showed me the center, or the hive, where I could see all the beings hooked up to the computer. We had a conversation that I don’t remember all the details of, but he distinctly told me that his task was to keep “re-densifying me” and keep me from waking up.

Today I had another process of meeting my inner punisher. They introduced themselves as “Andromeda” but the energy feels non-binary, a shapeshifter and expression of both masculine and feminine. There was this zippy energy it felt like, a fighter or a bullet, always ducking and dodging, moving in and out of shadows, always transforming into whatever shape brought the most fear. It was this whisper of a voice almost, of a shadow, of something intangible and always changing. But at the same time there was a deep pain in them, and I felt that they were ready to change roles. They cried that if they didn’t hurt me I would never notice them, that they would not be acknowledged. And again there was that pain and fear of being erased out of existence and “left behind” as I ascend. There was one moment where this punisher tried to exert power over me, but at this point I made it clear that they cannot do that and they are indeed a part of ME. It felt like they’ve been doing this job for ages, and Edward my gatekeeper informed me that they indeed have, every lifetime emerging in a different shape and voice. Again, I invited them outside, to reconcile, to change roles. And they accepted. Rebeka regarded the shadow always looming behind her, and looking into its eyes, saw that it, too, was a mirror and a reflection. I left them both in the healing springs, and felt the layers falling away from my inner punisher in bouts of sensitivity, sadness and healing. It feels like the water is slowly working away at them, and the hardness is starting to soften. One of the greatest gifts I can appreciate in this moment is the inner union that I feel steadily growing inside of me, and Rebeka feeling the support of Petja (my inner masculine) and him holding her as she heals.

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