Hey there beautiful souls!
I wanted to share my experience with the full moon eclipse in Scorpio, although I do know it's a bit late it was a deeply powerful healing experience that I'd like to share with anyone who resonates!
Last night with the full moon and lunar eclipse energies in Scorpio, I felt the profound death of a process and part of me that has been ruling my life and held in my body for so long.
This process has been churning, actualizing and deepening over the course of 18 months, as I feel my true arising into womanhood and healing and letting go of the wounded and darker feminine aspects of myself.
From connecting and feeling my womb space, to activating my inner divine masculine and inner sacred union, and coming face to face with my own internal violence and shame dynamics that I perpetuated and tolerated towards myself and other women.
Last night I was receiving a powerful energy healing session from my dear friend and Divine Father figure. This divine masculine has stepped into my life as a true example and guide and adopted me as his daughter, helping me heal my nervous system and all my wounded younger parts who never received the true love and containment of having a healthy father figure in my life.
Halfway through the session, I felt this deep-seated rage begin to rise within me from my root chakra, the chakra that I most struggle to connect with and ground. I felt this rage beginning to bubble since the day before, when it came out that a popular astrologer I used to follow and idolize had been beating his pregnant girlfriend and had multiple cases of domestic violence under his belt. This sparked so much hurt and rage within me, because I felt in my body that what this girl was sharing was true, and I felt a huge anger and injustice for all the women who had been beaten, hurt and manipulated at the hands of narcissistic masculine energies, and my own personal experiences with energies similar to this, as well as those masquerading as “spiritual teachers” or using their power in the public eye for manipulation.
I felt this uncontrollable rage and anger boiling within me, to the point where I had to get up and walk out of the session. I went into my room and began to cry and allow a silent scream to come through me, like I’ve done so many times before. But I felt how this time the scream truly needed to be expressed through my voice, especially for all the women who haven’t had the chance to, and I knew there was no other way I could let this go.
I went to my friend and told him this, and without questioning he offered to take me somewhere to scream. We got in the car and drove in the middle of the night for about 40 minutes looking for a secluded place until we made it far out into the campo under the full moon. I was completely silent the whole time, as I felt this energy pinging through my body, begging to be released. A few times I even offered that it wasn’t a big deal and we should just go home, but he said we would do what we came for so I could release this energy.
Eventually we made it to a small mountain far away from the city, where there were no lights or people around for miles. The setting was perfect, lightning bugs flickering on and off, the hazy fog covering the moon, and a small stone sentinel. My friend gave me space and stayed at a distance as I kneeled on the earth and thanked the guardians of this place for allowing me to be there and holding the space.
I allowed myself to drop in fully to the strong emotions I had been feeling, and gave myself permission to express them through my voice. At first I was shy and scared, even in this secluded place being far away from other people, I felt how rarely I got the chance to actually scream and make ugly, horrifying sounds with my voice. How the last time I remember actually screaming at the top of my lungs was on an isolated island 8 years ago with my brothers. I allowed myself to cry and feel, but I knew that what had to come through might scare me and I had to be brave.
I felt what I had been tapping into so strongly - this ancestral and collective grief of so many generations of women abused, silenced and suppressed. I felt other lifetimes, soul aspects and parts of myself. I felt a women who couldn’t make any sound during childbirth because of being forced to hide and avoid death. I felt women who were victims of r*pe, beaten and left for dead in the cold. I felt women of Iran tortured, locked and hidden away for dishonor and unwanted pregnancies. I felt my own suppressed terror of my childhood. I felt the karmic and this life hurts I’ve inflicted on other women from my own wounded and dark feminine energy. I felt the presence of divine mother and her holding me and giving me permission to allow this sound to come through.
As soon as I allowed myself to open to this scream, it came out sharply and fully like a knife piercing the quiet night. It cut so quickly like glass, that even I was surprised by it. Immediately I felt relief in my body, and fell on the ground and started to cry. I kept feeling the encouragement of divine mother to allow it to come through, and after recovering and regaining my voice I allowed more and more screams and wails and sobs to pour through my being, until I surrendered and knelt down with my forehead pressed to the Earth. The more I screamed, the more liberation I felt and the energy was moving through and releasing. Eventually my friend came over and hugged me, bringing me out of my triggered place and telling me he didn’t want me to hurt my voice and it was time to rest.
As we were going back, I tapped into and felt the energy of all these women integrating into my heart and felt experience. Most prominently I felt my own dark feminine aspect, this wounded and manipulative feminine energy that had been showing up in relationships and sisterhood. She was young and immature, and operating out of so much fear and internalized patriarchy. I felt the other lifetime wounds of her turning on and hurting other soul sisters, and the energy of competition and lack she carried into and projected in this life experience.
I felt how deeply she was sorry and begging for forgiveness, and how readily the divine was there to forgive her. When I returned home I facilitated a grief ceremony for her, guided through the soulful heart’s recent livestream on YouTube, and felt how she was so much a part of a recent karmic relationship pattern I had been suffering in. She was grieving and releasing the way she’s related to masculine energies through sexuality and manipulation, out of fear and avoidance of true vulnerability and being seen. The internalized lack, fear and competition with other women, even hatred towards other women that was a twisted masculine energy within her. I felt how much fear and suppression there is towards the feminine because of how much raw power she carries. This unpredictable power was terrifying for parts of me who suffered emotional abuse from volatile feminine/wounded mother energies, and therefore felt completely unsafe around women in general. I saw this part dying and releasing, being washed clean and burning in the violet flame. I felt her return to divine mother to be held, and how she has the potential always to grow and mature into the divine feminine queen essence she is.
I’m still processing and sitting with the layers of this experience, but I’m so grateful for this powerful lunar eclipse in Scorpio, which feels like an awakening and purging of exactly these energies, the collective feminine, intimacy, dark and shadow feminine, and Lilith. Having worked with this energy so much in my life, I don’t fear her but respect her, and know that the power she holds can be directed for good and be a force of nature for healing in the universe. I always felt this erratic and unpredictable overflow of creative/sexual/kundalini energy within me that I didn’t know what to do with, that was sometimes so much it scared me. I would channel it into intimacy, art, music, healing, and sometimes mischief. I now understand that this is the raw and untapped potential of the feminine, that when refined and directed in a safe and loving way, has the power to shift the entire universe. I feel so much gratitude as well for the inner and outer divine masculines in my life who honor, protect and water the sacred feminine. I believe this is the future and how we shift as a collective, through this internal and external union and appreciation of one another. And so it is. Thank you for reading and taking this in